


What We Need

by velutluna_ithil



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, smut in later chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-09 14:57:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3253955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velutluna_ithil/pseuds/velutluna_ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily is in Paris, which poses problems for the "relationship" she and JJ have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strength

_She ran her fingers down her bare midriff, the sighs she elicited turning her on even more, encouraging her movements. Her hands wandered lower, the gentle curve of stomach, the delicate hips. Their breathing came harder now, both moaning in unison. She traced the path of light freckles further, so close-_

A harsh ringing ripped Emily from her dream, her eyes snapping open, instantly awake, even though she wanted nothing more than to follow the wonderful course her dream had set. But it was just that- a fantasy, nothing real. Then she realized what the sound was- the phone on her bedside table. Confusion marred her brow; only a handful of people had that number, only a few people knew she was alive, knew where she was. Crap. She grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” she asked, relieved to find her voice did not sound as sleepy as she was. It was 5 am, not a time for a social call, even if she were receiving those. The line was quiet for a moment and her heart missed a beat. Phone calls without sound tended to not bode well.

“Em?” a quiet voice said on the other end. She would know that voice anywhere.

“JJ? What’s wrong?” she urged. There was something hesitant in the other woman’s voice. What could have prompted her to call? They didn't talk on the phone- it was too dangerous, too risky. Their only regular contact was online scrabble, hardly something to raise red flags, no matter who was watching.

Still, JJ’s answer was slow in coming. “I... I needed to call.” She paused. “I’m sorry, I must have woken you up. God, I wasn't thinking. Never mind, I’ll let you go back to sleep- sorry...” JJ was rambling, her words nearly incoherent in her rush to get them out.

“Stop. JJ, stop. It’s fine. Please, tell me what’s going on.” It hurt her. Emily could tell how reluctant JJ was to intrude- as if there was anything to intrude on-, how quick she was to dismiss whatever had gotten her to call in the first place.

Again, there was silence. JJ’s answer came in broken bits. “I... I can’t... I... There was this woman, in the bus, I was coming home, she, god, her hair, I thought... I thought it could be you, no... no, I needed it to be you... It tore me apart... I see you... everywhere and I know you’re not there, you’re... god, you’re so far away and I can’t... I can’t...” JJ’s breaths came in rapid gasps, hitching between words. Emily could virtually hear the tears pooling in her eyes and it weighed on her heart, as if someone was holding her heart in their fist, slowly crushing it.

“Shhhh, darling, I’m right here...” As she whispered the words into the receiver, she realized how true and cruel those words were. How could she help comfort her partner from another continent? That was the crux of the matter: she was hours away, in a different city, in a different bed. And she had no promises to offer.

That was the problem, JJ thought, the only semi-coherent thought in her mind. She was on her bed, an ocean away, trying to muffle the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. Her room was dark, she had been sitting on the bed for hours, battling with herself. Could she call? And now that Emily was on the phone, trying to comfort her, she was shocked at her own selfishness, her own pathetic state. Emily was out, trying to rid the world of a great evil, while she was barely functioning. She saw the stares at work, saw them gaze disapprovingly at her fourth, fifth cup of coffee. She didn't go out with them, only ate a few bites of whatever they ordered when they were on a case. She was grateful that they had all promised to not profile each other, they let her suffer in peace.

“JJ... You’ll pull through this. You can do this,” Emily said, her voice precious, even if it was slightly distorted on the phone. JJ shook her head desperately. “No, no, you don’t see... I can’t... I’m not like you, I’m not strong, I can’t... I can’t compartmentalize, not like you do. I can’t do this,” she said desperately. There was anger in her voice, not only longing, not only pain.

Emily felt her heart constrict further, followed by a flutter of rage that she tried to suppress, but couldn’t. “Do you think this is easy for me?” she said, trying to exude a calmness she didn’t feel. How could she say that? This was the hardest thing she had ever done, and she had done some pretty difficult things in the past. Leaving JJ back in D.C. was one of the hardest decisions she had ever had to make. And no, she didn't know how long this was going to take, when, if ever, she could come back. But she had clung to the hope that they could make it work. That she would still have a chance with JJ, that she’d be there, no matter what.

“I... I don’t know...” JJ whispered. She knew it was unfair, she was sure faking your own death wasn't a simple path, but... She had chosen it. JJ hadn't made the choice to fall in love with a woman who would then proceed to be “dead”. It had happened and sometimes, on days like this, JJ wished it hadn't. It was too much and too little at the same time. Her life felt like she was waiting, endlessly waiting for something that never came. She wasn't even sure what she was waiting for. For Emily’s return? To move on?

“It isn't! Jenny, you must know this isn't fun for me, this is horrible!” Emily said, the anger still apparent in her answer. But there was also a trace of fear. JJ sounded so... broken. She had never wanted to hurt her, anything else but that. What if she decided that their relationship (not that you could really call it that) was not worth it? They had only begun to discover what they had before Doyle had shown up. What if JJ was cutting her out?

“JJ, listen, I know this is awful, but... Ugh, it’s necessary,” she said, the words sounding hollow even to her own ears. “I promise...” she began, before abruptly stopping. There was nothing to promise, no deadline to this godforsaken mission.

JJ laughed, a sound full of pain and disillusionment. It was the sound of reality and of exhaustion, all rolled into a bundle of ice. “I can’t do this anymore,” she said, no longer unsteady.

Even as Emily’s stomach lurched, she knew that JJ meant it. She clutched herself, glad that JJ couldn't see her, for once. She had to let her go, though every instinct inside of her wanted her to beg, to promise anything to make sure JJ didn't leave her. A small part of her saw the irony- she had left the country but now it was JJ who was leaving her. And even as her heart broke, she knew what she had to say.

“I understand.”

JJ felt the cold spread throughout her body. She had thought she was calling Emily for comfort, but maybe this was where they had been heading all along. The point of no return. She couldn't hold on to this dream any longer, she kept thinking there was more than there was. Sure, they had been friends and had been in the process of becoming something more, but all the signs seemed to say that it was going to be an uneven love at best- unrequited at most. Better to cut her losses now. Though in reality, she had never really had Emily.

“I’ll tal--- Bye, Emily” JJ said, catching herself, the pain ripping through her as she realized that she might never hear from her again. Anything could happen.

“Good... Good-bye, Jen- JJ.” Emily said, her voice already distant.

“Be safe,” JJ said before quickly hanging up the phone. She could feel the numbness setting in, could feel it soaking her through... But the edges were still raw, excruciatingly so. Tomorrow it will be better, she thought, and dug her nails into her skin, willing herself to fall asleep. And she did, the exhaustion was too much for her to bear.

Emily stared at the phone in her lap, the last words JJ had spoken echoing in her ear. Before her body could go into panic mode, she bunched her fists in the sheets and tried to focus on breathing, in and out, steadily, the way her instructor had shown her the first time she had held a gun. But she knew it was too late- the trigger had been pulled and her heart was the target.


	2. The Battlefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid and Morgan noticed that something is wrong with JJ and try to talk to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, but I didn't want to leave you all in suspense for too long.

“Something’s up with JJ,“ Reid said to Morgan in the break room at the BAU. Morgan nodded. He had noticed something as well. Of course, JJ had been doing poorly ever since Emily... passed away. But somehow, she seemed even worse. The little light that was left had gone out. Morgan had been doing his best not to profile his friend, but her grief had turned into something palpable and cutting. While Spencer was slowly starting the process of healing from the loss, JJ seemed to be going backwards. It had been hard, these past few months. The team had been struggling, each of them caught in their own net of suffering. The first month, Morgan had awoken, drenched in sweat, reliving the night he had found Emily, bleeding out from the wound that sonofabitch Doyle had inflicted. Spencer had been there, holding him, their only comfort their mutual pain.

But they were healing. Slowly.

JJ, on the other hand. Morgan shook his head. “I don’t know what we can do. If we can do anything,” he said to Reid, who was ripping open his third pack of sugar for his coffee.

“We have to try,” Reid said. He hated feeling helpless, especially when someone close to him was suffering. He knew, rationally, that whatever stage of grief JJ was going through, there was little he could do to help. But he wanted to.

 

* * *

 

“Wheels up in twenty,” Hotch said and the team shuffled out of the conference room.

“JJ, can I talk to you, please?” Reid said, touching JJ’s shoulder slightly. He thought she tensed up when he touched her, but quickly shook off the thought.

“Sure,” she said. Her voice sounded off, a forced friendliness in it.

They walked into her office, where she quickly tried to shove some tissues from her desk into the trash can underneath. Despite her circumspectness, Reid noticed the movement. “I... We’re really worried about you, JJ,” Reid said, cutting to the chase, as was his wont. “The last week, you’ve been... Well, different. I know this is a tough time, we’re all struggling...”

“Spence, I’m fine,” JJ said, interrupting.

Reid tilted his head to the side. “You know that’s not true.”

“Look, I don’t want to talk about this. And you all need to quit profiling me.”

Reid was taken aback at the venom in her voice. Where was the sweet JJ who always had a kind word and a smile, who took things to heart? For once her blue eyes were cold.

He was about to continue when JJ grabbed her go-bag from the floor next to her desk.

“We’ve gotta get to the jet,” she said curtly and pushed past him out the door.

 Reid was left standing in the doorway, more confused than he had been. JJ never snapped at anyone, let alone him. Morgan walked up to him, placing a hand on his elbow- the only sign of affection he could allow himself in the office. Reid shook his head dejectedly and filled Morgan in on their conversation, though it could hardly count as one, they had said so little and communicated not at all.

The two men headed to the jet, both lost in thought.

 

* * *

 

As soon as the plane had reached cruising altitude, JJ slipped off to the bathroom. She knew she would only have a few minutes before they’d want her back, to begin brainstorming ideas and figuring out what their first moves should be, but she needed those few minutes. Reid’s attempt to talk to her and put a chink in the armor she had been wearing to protect herself. It was only a matter of time (and not much of it) before the team would notice that something was off, she had known that, but she had hoped they would write her behavior off as part of her grieving process.

Which it was, in a way. That she was not grieving for the death of her friend but the death of their not-yet-relationship hardly made a difference.

The pain pulsed through her and she bent over the tiny sink. Despite being a profiler, despite her knowledge of people and psychology, she was floored by the fact that her feelings could cause her more pain than any physical pain she had ever experienced- and there had been enough of that in the past years.

Her fingers gripped the plastic edge, her knuckles white. “Breathe, breathe,” she told herself, as if she were speaking to a victim close to hysterics. This was not the time to dwell on the last time she had talked to Emily, she had no time to think about Emily at all. She needed her head in the game. What she needed to do now was do her best to catch the killer who was on a spree in Alabama. And to do that she needed to convince her team that she was okay. That she was stable.

She splashed some water on her face, took a few towels to dry herself off and looked at the results in the mirror. Better. Cool. Composed. Her walls were back up, armor polished, ready for battle.

But what was life coming to if she had to do battle with the people on her side?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this, please post a review, I'm a new fan fic writer, any encouragement and ideas are welcome! Thanks for reading!


	3. Glass Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily becomes increasingly worried about JJ.

Emily stared at the screen, a blank look on her face. She kept waiting, waiting for the familiar name to appear on the screen. Every day when she got home she opened the little laptop and connected herself to the wifi from the shop below. But for two weeks, the user _Cheetobreath_ had been conspicuously absent from the online scrabble site.

She knew that this was all to be expected, JJ had made it clear that any contact they had previously had needed to come to a close. But Emily hadn’t realized what that meant, hadn’t known what it was she was agreeing to when she told JJ she understood. She hadn’t just lost the woman she... cared about, she had lost her best friend, the only person she had to talk to, one of the few people who knew she was even alive. She felt alone, more alone than she had ever felt.

She needed to be where she was, she was protecting her team, even if they didn’t know it. Doyle was out there, still dangerous, sure to try and come after her or the people in her life if he knew she was still alive.

But lately, she had been having doubts. Was she really doing the best thing? Hotch had called her a few days ago, their second conversation since she had stepped on the plane to Paris. He had supposedly called to check up on her, but he had also let a few well-placed comments about JJ slip. Nothing obvious, but enough to let Emily know that something was off with her. The rest of the team might believe that it was just another stage of grief, but Hotch knew what was going on and that there was no foundation for JJ’s grief. They had both deceived the team, which caused them both pain, but there was no need for JJ to go to such extraordinary lengths to convince the rest of BAU she was grieving.

Hotch’s phone call had left Emily more distressed than before. She knew Hotch and Reid and everyone would take care of JJ, but they couldn’t help her if she shut them out, and even Hotch didn’t know what the real problem was, the true reason for JJ’s increasingly strange behavior. Emily’s gut contracted. How had this happened? She had hoped that letting JJ go would give her the space to move on, to be happy and safe. Without her.

Emily rested her head in her hands. She had come to realize that letting JJ go had changed nothing for her. _I need her to be okay. How could I live with myself if something happened to her?_ And it wasn’t Emily’s typical desire to protect those she thought of as weaker. Yes, her guilt would be overwhelming if anything happened to her. But it was more than that. JJ had become the center of her life over the past few years and even more so in the last few months. Even if she could never be with her, knowing that she was alive and well was essential to Emily.

But what was she supposed to do with this knowledge?

The minutes passed silently on the digital clock next to her. The sounds of the city faded away in the darkening night. Her mind raced, from one scenario to the next, flinching when her traitorous mind showed her pictures of JJ, hurt, in pain. But even the memories of JJ happy were painful, knowing that she might never see the glow on her beautiful face again, that she would never run her fingers through her golden hair, never gently touch her smooth skin.

She couldn’t do it. She came to that realization abruptly, with intense clarity. She needed to see her. She had to prove to herself that JJ was better off without her in her life. Her mind spinning into action, she picked up her phone.

“Bon soir. J’ai besoin d‘un taxi. À l’aeroport.“

 

* * *

 

Emily pulled up across the street from JJ’s house in her gray rented car. The street was quiet, there had been no traffic coming into the city. She had considered checking into a hotel for the remainder of the night, but the intense need to see JJ had overridden any exhaustion Emily might have felt. It was hardly the first time she’d be spending the night on a stake-out (though her mind shied away from the idea that she was stalking JJ).

There was a light on in JJ’s house, despite the lateness of the hour. Emily’s brow furrowed. _She should be in bed. Asleep. Insomnia?_ Her profiler mind was already thinking of all the reasons behind insomnia, the draining effect of not sleeping, perhaps fuelled by her own lack of sleep.

Emily shook her head at JJ’s house. She had been shocked when JJ had first showed her the house. The French windows on the ground floor made Emily uncomfortable, she felt exposed, the openness made the home airy and bright, but it was statistically dangerous. “An open invitation for burglars” Emily had said to JJ. But JJ had lived there for years, she had inherited it from some distant relative. And JJ had always been one to assume the best, even later, with her profiler training. Her optimism was one of the things Emily loved about her.

Tonight she was glad for the huge glass walls. It was dark for now, but there was a bit of light filtering down the stairs, probably from the bedroom. She wondered if JJ would come down, or if she would be waiting in vain for a glimpse of her. Emily pulled on the jacket that she had left in the backseat and hunkered down, prepared to wait to see JJ until she left for work.

But Emily didn’t have to wait for more than half an hour before another light was turned on. It wasn’t the main lamp, just a smaller one in the kitchen, but it was enough to see the figure in the kitchen. Emily’s heart skipped a beat when she finally saw Jennifer, sweatpants and ratty t-shirt, still as beautiful as ever, despite her ragged appearance.

Even as Emily basked in the vision, she began worrying. _JJ, what’s going on? Please, let me- us- help you..._ Her heart bled for the apparent distress JJ was in. She tried to tell herself that her sleeplessness could have any number of reasons, could be a fluke incident, but JJ’s posture showed signs of continued tension; Emily was sure there were dark rings under her eyes, even if she couldn’t see them from this distance.

As she looked on, JJ got a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. Nothing abnormal about that, Emily reasoned. But the comfort was only brief. JJ reached into the bag sitting on the counter and pulled out a little bottle. Emily’s eyes widened at the orange color of it, illuminated by the soft light. Her heart was pounding in her chest while she told herself that it made sense. It was not difficult to get sleeping pills, especially when you worked with the BAU. The job often made sleep elusive. The bottle wasn’t significant, it didn’t mean anything. Or at least that was what she tried to tell herself.

JJ unscrewed the cap. She tilted the bottle to one side and a handful of little white pills spilled into her waiting palm. JJ stared at them, as if they were a mystery to her.

 _Put them back. Put them back. God, Jennifer, put them back!_ Emily yelled in her head. When JJ closed her eyes and raised her hand, the glass of water replacing the med container, Emily couldn’t stand it any longer.

_God, no, please. No, no, no, no._

She threw open the door and ran across the street, blood rushing through her veins, breath short. She ran up to the glass, pounded on it and screamed.

“JJ!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this chapter, please leave a review or a comment, I'm grateful for all feedback! Hope you enjoyed it (if "enjoy" is the right word).


	4. Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ is at home alone, with her dark thoughts.

JJ sat on her bed, arms wrapped around her knees, breathing shallow. It had become a nightly ritual, her only time to let her pain run free. Hiding her feelings did not come naturally, it took all her strength to keep her emotions in check and she didn’t know how long she would be able to keep the facade intact. She was doing her best but it was too hard and the lying was painful to her, an additional burden.

Her knees were hard against her chest, the weight loss apparent, though she had not noticed it. All she knew was that food had lost its comfort, it had lost its taste. A small part of her mind had noticed all the unsound behavior she was engaging in, but the largest part of her simply did not care. She had broken off all contact to Emily in the hopes that it would give her time and space to move on- and most of all, that she wouldn’t have to wait around for a woman who didn’t love her, for a relationship that would never be, at least never be enough.

The pain tore through her, and despite its frequent occurrence it hadn’t lost the ability to take her breath away. IT had happened today, out of the blue, at a police station in Michigan. Reid had come over, of course he had seen her grimace. But she had said nothing, hoping he would think it was about the young girl they had saved. Which it was…

_A silly day dream, nothing more. A house, a garden… A child._

She shook her head at her own ridiculous ideas. How she could have thought about having a baby when there was nothing between them? She was almost sure that she had imagined the intense glances Emily had thrown her way, scant weeks before Doyle showed up. She had convinced herself that there was potential, but it was all wishful thinking. Emily’s departure, her calm acceptance during their last phone call…

She had never been more than a friend. A colleague.

Her hope had gone. Boarded a plane to Paris- never to return.

JJ slowly stretched her legs. It was late, she had work tomorrow, she knew that she should at least try to get some sleep. Her body unwillingly left the bed, her feet unsteady as she walked towards the door. The lamp in the hallway was on, lighting the stairs to the kitchen. Her bag was on the counter, containing the sleeping pills she had gotten from the doctor at the BAU. He had given them to her with only the most preliminary questions- she had gotten them before, as had many members of the team. It was a professional risk. Dealing with monsters every day made nights a difficult time.

Her bare feet were cold against the tile floor. It matched the coldness that had been spreading throughout her body for weeks… months… Her shaking hands reached for a glass in the cupboard above the sink, her hand nearly knocking down a second glass. She turned on the faucet and filled the glass, the movements nearly mechanical.

Her hand reached into her bag, her fingers searching for the familiar form of the bottle. When they found it she pulled it out, wondering at the power contained in that small little container. Her gun was next to her bed, a habit she had acquired from working at the BAU for so many years. But this little bottle, with all the inconspicuous pills inside could do serious damage as well.

She flipped the bottle open, and the pills spilled into her hand, many, many more than she needed to take to escape from the world.

She closed her eyes and raised her closed fist.

_It could all stop. It could all be over, all the pain, the uncertainty… A handful of pills and it could be over._

But even as her mind offered her this escape, her heart rebelled. This wasn’t her. She would nev-

 

“JJ!”

JJ’s eyes tore open, both hands unclenched, the glass falling to the floor, breaking into tiny shards, mixing with all the white tablets now littering the floor.

She stared in shock at the face in front of her.

Someone was at her window, hammering on it with fists, shouting at her through the glass.

_It couldn’t be. There was no way._

“Emily,” she mouthed and took a step forward before falling to her knees when the pain reached her brain. The glass shards cut into her feet, then into her hands as she broke her fall. Tears sprung to her eyes, blurring her vision.

When she looked up again, the figure at the French windows had gone. For a moment she wondered if the lack of sleep had caused her to start hallucinating- she knew that could happen. But before she could start lamenting her loss of sanity, she heard her front door open.

 

“Jenny, oh god, Jenny,” Emily said, her face contorted in anguish and anger. She rushed over to JJ, her shoes protecting her from the miniscule bits of glass. “Stay where you are,” she said when JJ started to move. She grasped the other woman’s arms, careful to avoid the bloodied hands, then picked her up and sat her down on the couch.

Her thoughts were muddled, she wanted to kiss her, to yell at her, to hold her forever. But her training made her say “Where’s your first aid kit?” JJ looked at her, uncomprehending. When the words finally filtered through to her she mumbled “upstairs bathroom”.

Her mind was still in turmoil when Emily returned, red case in hand. Emily began quickly removing the splinters of glass from her hands, then from the soles of her feet. She dabbed disinfectant on the tiny wounds. JJ winced slightly. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to react to the sudden appearance of the woman she had been thinking about constantly.

_What are you doing here, Emily? Why, why now? Please, please, don’t leave, I don’t care why you’re here, just don’t go away. Ever._

These thoughts, the first coherent ones she had, formed in her mind, but stayed stuck on her tongue. She was worried that if she uttered even a word, Emily would disappear, back into the darkness from which she had appeared.

 

It took all her will power not to say a word to JJ. She knew she should say something, explain her presence, but she was worried that if she said anything, she would say everything. And then JJ would run, shut her out, and she needed to know what she had stumbled on, she needed an explanation. But it could wait until JJ was cleaned up.

She left JJ on the couch and quickly swept away the remnants of the glass and wiped the floor with the paper towels from the counter. That finished, she realized there was nothing left to use as an excuse to postpone the talk that was bound to be uncomfortable at best, heart breaking at worst. Though she wondered briefly if there was any undamaged area of her heart left.

Emily sat down, leaving an entire cushion between herself and JJ. She had no well prepared words and opted to come right out with it.

“Why, Jenny, why?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews, comments, questions are very, very welcome! I promise not to leave you in suspense for much longer! Thanks for reading!


	5. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ and Emily have a long overdue talk.

„Why, Jenny, why?“

Emily’s voice was broken, the agony seeping through in the three words. JJ looked at her, confusion clouding her face. _What is she talking about?_ At JJ’s continued silence, Emily spoke again.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but… this isn’t the solution!”

JJ heard anger in her voice and it took her another minute to realize what it was Emily was talking about.

“You thought… Oh, Emily…” She winced at the name, five letters she had been avoiding. “I wasn’t going to… do anything,” she finished lamely.

Even before she finished Emily started shaking her head. “Damnit JJ, don’t lie to me! I saw you, you had enough pills in your hand to kill yourself three times over!”

JJ grimaced at Emily’s harsh words. The venom was the jolt to her system that she needed; it made her realize exactly who was sitting next to her and what had happened between them and how improbable the entire situation was. “Look, Emily,” _I might as well say it as often as I can_ “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was only thinking about how easy it would be if I were so inclined. Which I’m not. Really!” she said at Emily’s skeptical look.

“What are you even doing here?” she said, finally getting the question out that had been eating at her since Emily had arrived. “You shouldn’t be here!” she said.

Emily’s heart constricted. It had been a mistake to come. She had known that, but she had needed to come nonetheless. Even though nothing had changed, she had wanted one last look. But instead of that, she said, “Hotch called me.”

JJ tried in vain to suppress the torment coursing through her, but her sharp intake of breath was a giveaway. _Of course she didn’t come back for me. She was just worried. Didn’t want to feel guilty is something happened to me. Hotch told her to come. That makes sense._

“Look, I’m fine, Emily, you can go. I’m not suicidal, Hotch doesn’t need to be worried,” she pushed the words out, despite herself. Even knowing that Emily hadn’t come for her, she still wanted her there, no matter what. She had been wrong, suffering with Emily in her life was a thousand times better than cutting her out entirely.

“Hotch wasn’t the only one worried,” Emily said.

“I’m fine!” JJ nearly yelled, belying the statement.

“Jenny, that’s obviously not true. I can tell you haven’t been sleeping, I could tell from out in the car! Look, I know you don’t want anything to do with me, but I can’t just leave you like this!” Emily refused to accept her blatant lie that everything was alright. She might have no right to force herself into JJ’s life, but she was still reeling from the shock of thinking JJ was going to commit suicide. And even if JJ claimed she wasn’t in danger, the fact that she had even stood there, with all those pills, thinking about it, proved that something was not right. And no matter how much JJ wanted to shut her out, she refused to go without knowing what was wrong.

“You were watching me? From a car? A stakeout, seriously?” she yelled.

 _Of all the things to focus on, she chose the thing that makes me look crazy instead of like a concerned friend._ Emily sighed.

“Yes, I was watching you. I didn’t expect to see something like this!” she said back, her voice getting louder, despite her intention of remaining calm.

“Why? Why isn’t Hotch here, why are you here instead? You live an ocean away. How did you even get here?”

“I took a plane. But that isn’t important. What is important is that you’re in pain and I can’t stand it!”

JJ paused. _The guilt. I almost forgot._ “Look, Emily, this doesn’t have to do with you.” _Liar._ “You don’t have to be here, you don’t have to do anything… You don’t have to feel guilty.”

Emily shook her head violently. _I need her to understand. Even if she doesn’t change her mind, I need her to know why I’m here._ “Jenny… You’ve got this all wrong…” she sighed. _Now or never._ “Yes, Hotch called me. But that isn’t why I’m really here.”

“Then tell me why!” JJ demanded.

“I came here… Because I had to see you,” she said brokenly. “I couldn’t stand not being able to see you, one last time. I understand you don’t want me to be here, and I’ll go, I promise. I just needed to know you were okay. And not because I’d feel guilty if something happened to you but because… Because… Because I love you!”

The room was silent.

Emily felt her heart thumping wildly in her chest. As the silence continued her face flushed. _Oh god. What have I done? I need to go. I need to get out of here._ She had thought dealing with JJ’s rejection would be easier, after the weeks apart, but her lack of response was worse than she could have imagined. _But at least we didn’t have a relationship to destroy. Not even a friendship._ She couldn’t hide the sorrow gracing her face, she knew that, so she turned away and made ready to leave; one last inhale, to take in JJ’s scent.

As she stood, she felt a hand on her wrist. It was cold, but gentle. She looked back down at JJ, deciding it was really too late to hide anything.

The tears in JJ’s eyes unnerved her.

“Don’t go,” she whispered and Emily felt her aching heart filling again. She sat back down, leaving only an inch or two between them. JJ’s hand was still on her wrist.

“I won’t,” she replied. Though even as she said it, she realized it was not the truth. She would have to leave. She looked at the woman next to her. JJ knew it too.

“I know you’ll have to. But… I tried… I tried putting you out of my mind, out of my heart… I thought there was nothing worse than waiting for something that would never happen. I’ve been waiting so long… And seeing you every day made it worth it… But having you so far away and knowing that you would never feel as strongly about me… That everything I thought was between us was just imagined… It was so ease convince myself that I had misunderstood, that we were... nothing real... I couldn’t do it…”

Emily was about to interrupt her, to disagree with her, but JJ pressed against her hand.

“Let me finish. Please. I thought breaking off all contact with you would make it easier. But it didn’t. God… It made it so much worse, so very much worse. I tried to be strong, I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t. I can’t. I love you. I have loved you for so long and I’ll love you no matter where you are and no matter whether we’re together or not. I can’t stop, and honestly,” here Jenny paused, tears streaming down her face, “I don’t want to. Loving you has been the best part of my life for years now.”

Emily’s dark eyes glistened. “I… I don’t deserve you,” she said, a sad laugh in her voice.

“Oh Em… You deserve every good thing...” JJ said, her bandaged hand caressing Emily’s cheek.

“You are definitely a good thing, Jenny… The best.”

Looking into JJ’s beautiful face, Emily leaned forward, resting her forehead against JJ’s.

“I’ve wanted-“ Emily began. “Please,” JJ interrupted, her hand moving to weave through Emily’s hair. They had waited so long, a thousand things had kept them apart. JJ refused to wait any longer to do what they, amazingly, _both_ wanted.

With gentleness and purpose their lips came together, questioning at first, then searching, then devouring. It was safety and adventure, intimacy and passion, comfort and risk and the only promise they could give each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review if you liked this story/chapter! All feedback is welcome! hugs & bunnies


	6. Reality and Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily and JJ bask in the knowledge of their love for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all the angst of the previous chapters, I offer you some fluff and smut (I think it fits in with the rest of the story, so bear with me). Also, don't forget to leave a review!

Emily looked at the beautifully disheveled woman next to her. “I love you,” she said again, the words so freeing, so powerful. Again their lips met, meshed. “I love you too,” JJ said, between kisses.

Their kisses deepened, the long simmering passion bubbling to the surface. Emily pulled JJ closer, nearly onto her lap. JJ responded by slanting her lips over Emily’s, taking it a step further. Emily moaned in bliss. _Too long. Too long._ Those were the only thoughts that made it through, between sighs.

Meanwhile, JJ’s mind was on repeat. _Not enough. Not enough._ She twined her hands through Emily’s hair, pulling her closer, their clothes creating too much of a barrier. She looked down, breaking the kiss, and laughed.

At Emily’s quizzical expression she explained, “You still have your jacket on! No wonder I can’t get close enough.” Then she blushed, worried that she had been a bit too bold.

Emily laughed, the sound a balm for any shame, any worries on JJ’s part. She would spend her whole life trying to hear that sound. “I love your laugh,” she said, the honesty flowing freely now. All her doubts dissipated. This was the woman she had known for years, loved for years. They had laughed together, danced together, comforted distraught families, caught killers together. Her fears were not founded in reality, and now that the cards were on the table, she could tell that even rejection was no longer something to worry about.

Emily saw the thoughts dancing across JJ’s face and kissed her cheek gently, unwilling to disturb whatever was going on in the blonde’s head. JJ smiled.

“I think we should move this… upstairs,” she grinned. “In case anyone else is staking me out tonight.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Do you think I wouldn’t have caught it if there was anyone else out there?” she said in mock indignation. But she stood up from the couch as well and slipped off her jacket. JJ laced their fingers together. Emily was careful to not press too hard, still aware of the cuts on her palms. She followed JJ up the stairs, kicking off her shoes quickly before that, grateful she had worn slip-ons for ease during the flight.

She tugged JJ to a stop before they made it to the bedroom, pushing her against the wall. “God, I’ve waited so long to kiss you like this. You feel so good,” Emily muttered. JJ moaned in response. Emily’s hand wandered up to JJ’s breasts, eliciting a groan from the other woman. Much to JJ’s dismay, Emily broke contact and said “Which room?” JJ led the way to her room, urgency guiding her steps.

Emily paused for a moment when she entered the room and saw the luscious bed. It was another kind of intimacy, to be in the room JJ slept in. _Are we really ready for this?_

“Yes,” JJ said, answering Emily’s unspoken thought. “I want you here with me. Everything beyond that…” she smiled awkwardly. “If you want to, I would love for you to spend the night. I want you close to me.”

Emily was touched. JJ was opening up to her in ways she hadn’t imagined in her most wonderful dreams, not this fast, this soon, with no resistance. Emily knew what she wanted and it moved her that JJ wanted the same.

“I’d like nothing more than to stay with you.” There were no “buts” or qualifications. How beautiful, how perfect to want the same things.

 Emily stepped closer to JJ. “I want to see you,” she said, waiting for a moment until JJ encouraged her with a slight nod. She grasped the bottom of JJ’s t-shirt, slowly pulling it up over JJ’s head and arms, then dropping it to the floor, transfixed by the glorious breasts in front of her. “You are stunning,” she whispered, awed. Her finger traced the sides of her body, barely skimming the sides of JJ’s breasts. Her smile widened. _This is so much better than a dream._

JJ’s breathing was shallow, intense anticipation causing her to close her eyes. When Emily brushed her nipples she groaned, loud in the silence of the house. She brought her hands around Emily’s neck, slid them under the blouse she was wearing. Her lust crazed mind told her what to do with that information; her fingers wandered to Emily’s chest and slowly began unbuttoning the blue cloth. Her actions were rewarded with a sign of encouragement. Once that was done, she pushed the blouse off, and leaned forward, placing her lips on the soft skin visible above Emily’s bra.

“JJ… Ohh…” Emily murmured incoherently, distracted by the lips on her skin. JJ proceeded to deftly unzip Emily’s jeans, pushing them down her hips, letting gravity do the rest. Then she took a step back and shimmied out of her own pants. Emily’s eyes widened.

JJ took a step back, then fell back on the bed, reaching out with one hand, urging Emily to join her- which the other woman did willingly.

“Em… If you knew how many times I imagined you lying here, next to me… Not nearly as amazing as actually- ohh…” JJ said, losing her train of thought as Emily stemmed herself above JJ, their bodies with only a fraction of space between them. JJ wrapped her hands around Emily’s back, trying to undo her bra, but Emily’s tongue on her neck, her collar bones was too much, she could only clutch Emily’s shoulders and moan.

Emily sat up for a moment, bringing her bottom to rest on JJ’s legs. She twisted her arms behind her back and undid her own bra, having noticed JJ’s struggle. She enjoyed being the one to cause JJ’s lack of ability. JJ’s eyes clouded over when she saw Emily’s breasts. _So lucky. How can I be this lucky._

She pushed herself up, towards Emily, who, seeing her intent, moved forward as well. Their lips came together, each trying to convey all the feelings, the hopes, the dreams they had had for this moment, surpassed by the reality of it all. They cherished it the more for all they had suffered in getting there.

Their hands were frantic, all touching, their lips on a quest to taste more. Salt and sweat, the sounds of sighs and moans filling the room. Emily muttered words of endearment in JJ’s ear, while running her hands down from her breasts, to her thighs, and gentle tugging the fabric of her underwear away. JJ was panting now, her hips moving into Emily’s hand, needing pressure, needing contact.

“Fuck, Emily… Please,” JJ groaned, an expletive slipping in as she urged Emily on. Not unaffected, Emily gasped as she slid her finger between JJ’s wet folds. She moved her fingers back and forth, discovering what JJ liked best by how loud she moaned in response. _What a beautiful woman._ She gazed at the panting woman below her before lowering her head to JJ’s neck and tenderly biting her as she pushed two fingers into JJ, who bucked and called out hoarsely.

Emily could feel herself growing wet, her own passion increasing as she pushed JJ closer to the edge. For a moment, JJ could see past the haze and whispered, albeit in gasps, in Emily’s ear. “Are… you… with me?” JJ maneuvered her hands so that she could touch Emily as well. Emily nodded, then moaned deeply as JJ brushed over her nub. “God, yes, I’m… with you…”

Together they urged each other closer to the brink, JJ’s eyes closing as the energy coursed through her body. Emily’s remained open; she basked in the glory that was JJ, close to climax. She felt her own orgasm approaching, JJ’s increasingly frenzied sounds bringing her ever closer. When JJ started moaning “Yes, yes, yes…” in endless repetition she felt her body tensing, her breathing short, echoing the staccato rhythm they had created together.

Then, in one last urgent thrust, JJ clenched around her fingers and let out a breathy cry, colors bursting behind her eyes, the tricks of a mind taken over by passion. JJ’s face as she peaked triggered Emily’s own orgasm, quiet but no less intense, her whole body shaking as she floated up and then down, on a cloud of bliss.

Emily shifted, slightly, lying down next to JJ, but keeping her in her arms. JJ’s eyes drifted open, revealing utter contentment. Emily kissed her tenderly, reveling in the afterglow of their lovemaking.

“I’m glad you stayed,” JJ said dreamily, the best kind of tired, nestling her body into the perfect curve Emily provided.

“Me too,” Emily said, before pulling the blankets out from under them and over their intertwined bodies. JJ’s breathing was already evening out, and Emily felt the exhaustion of the past twenty-four hours descend down on her, but for the first time in months, she fell asleep confident that her reality was more wonderful than any fantasy her mind could create.


	7. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily and JJ discuss their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this last chapter took so long, real life got in the way. I hope this ending rounds it off nicely for you (though who knows, maybe there will be some more tidbits to follow later). Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

The morning sun filled the room with a soft light, illuminating JJ’s tangled hair. Emily, leaning on her elbow, looked at the stunning woman next to her, still fast asleep. She had never experienced a night so special, filled with so many firsts, the culmination of so many months spent waiting. Their connection hadn’t just been in her mind, had not been wishful thinking. For some indiscernible reason, JJ wanted her, wanted to be with her, loved her. And Emily loved her in return. JJ was the radiant sun in a life that had been too often covered by clouds. But every storm was worth it if she knew that Jennifer was waiting there, on the other end.

Her brow furrowed as her thoughts took a darker turn. She hadn’t weathered the latest storm yet. Doyle was still out there and lying in bed with JJ was only putting her in danger. Had she forgotten the reasons she’d left in the first place? Emily nearly cursed out loud. Last night it had seemed vital to see JJ, to reassure herself that she was alright. And then, well, she hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking after that. Between the misunderstanding with the pills and the sudden confessions of love there hadn’t been time to consider the pros and cons. Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly true. She hadn’t _wanted_ to think about it. Leaving JJ might have been the right thing to do but she knew she wasn’t strong enough to do that. She didn’t want to be strong enough, not if it meant hurting the people she was trying to protect.

However, after the best sleep she’d had in months, Emily couldn’t avoid analyzing the new position she was in. The naughty part of her mind went through a quick recap of all the new positions they’d been in last night before her rational side took control again. She needed to find a solution, some way to keep Doyle away from the people she loved without removing herself from their lives. She couldn’t imagine leaving Jenny, not now. The last time had been too painful for both of them. Thoughts churning, she maneuvered herself out from under the sheets and quietly walked to the bathroom.

JJ’s eyes fluttered open, momentarily disconcerted by the sunlight streaming in; it had been a while since she had slept past dawn. As she remembered what – or who – was responsible for her rather spectacular night, her mouth turned up at the corners as she rolled over. A searing pain rushed through her heart when she found the bed empty. _She wouldn’t have just left. Not without saying anything. Not after last night._ Before she slid down that slippery slope, she heard the flush of the toilet and nearly laughed at her own insecurity. Her hand brushed across the sheets. _Still warm._ She knew Emily better than that, she really needed to start trusting in her partner, it was silly of her to always assume the worst.

When Emily opened the door, wearing only her short black top and some briefs, she found JJ staring up at her, laughter in her eyes.

“What’s so funny?” she asked, curious.

“Oh, not much. I just seem to forget most of my FBI training around you.”

Emily looked at her, bewildered. “What are you talking about?”

“They teach us to look for evidence, to observe carefully and yet for a second I was worried that you’d left…” The laughter briefly faded from JJ’s eyes.

Emily sat down on the bed. “Well, that is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t believe you’re an agent, Jareau,” she chided. “Maybe I should give you a refresher course,” she mused.

JJ’s slightly worried frown turned into an amused grin. “And what would you start with?” she asked.

“Some hand-to-hand combat maybe?” Emily said, flattening her body on top of JJ’s. JJ reacted instinctively, more quickly than Emily had expected. She flipped the dark haired beauty on her back with ease.

“I’ve been practicing,” she teased, her hands pinning Emily’s wrists to the pillows, her voice a taunting whisper in her ear. “Who knows, I might be better than you.”

Emily’s eyes lit up with devilish intent. “Let’s find out!”

-

Standing by the kitchen counter later that morning Emily braced herself for a difficult and necessary conversation. Mulling the situation over hadn’t gotten her far, all she knew for certain was that she loved JJ and wanted to keep her safe. What the cost would be, she didn’t know.

“We need to figure out how to, um, handle this,” she said awkwardly.

JJ looked at her and sighed. “I know. I’ve been thinking about it too… I realize that your reasons for leaving haven’t changed… And that tonight was, well, a… mis-“

“Don’t you dare say ‘mistake’!” Emily said vehemently. “It was unplanned, yeah, but it was not a mistake. I wouldn’t change it for the world,” she said, her voice softer as she cupped JJ’s cheek in her hand.

JJ smiled gratefully. “You’re right… As always…”

“But I also can’t risk something happening to you because I’m back in your life. And if… Doyle… knew that I was alive and that you were more than a friend… I don’t think anything could keep him from going after you. And I couldn’t live with that…”

JJ closed her eyes. _There has to be some way for this to work._ “Look, I’m sure we can make something work… Somehow…”

But Emily was already shaking her head. JJ began to panic. What if Emily had already decided that the only option was for her to go back to France? But a little voice inside her told her the answer. _Then you’ll follow her._

A slow smile crept across her lips. Emily raised her eye brows. “I know that look.”

“Well, you know, I have been thinking that the BAU isn’t really the best place for me right now. I’m quite distraught over the death of my close friend, you know… Perhaps it would be best for me to take a sabbatical, to work through my grief… Perhaps in a quiet little town on the French coast?”

Understanding dawned in Emily’s eyes. “You, you… you mean come with me? To Europe? Leave everything behind?”

JJ grasped her hand. “Emily, being with you is the most important thing for me, and honestly, the BAU isn’t the same without you. And I hate all the lying… Everyone can keep working on catching Doyle- they don’t need my help that badly. And I think Hotch would understand.”

Even while objecting, Emily knew Hotch would agree. “But you can’t just give up your life!”

“It’s what you did,” JJ retorted.

“To save my friends!”

“Yes, and I’ll be doing it to save _us._ We will be secretive, we’ll be careful. And sure, you’ll have to stay in hiding, but wouldn’t you rather hide with me in a cottage in Normandy than in a hotel room in Paris?”

At the idea of being isolated, with only JJ for company, Emily’s face brightened. Sure, she wished they could be with their friends, their family, but she would take hiding with JJ over being alone any day.

“Do you really think it would work?” Emily asked, still not quite daring to hope.

“I’m sure it will. And no matter what, we’ll be together,” JJ assured her.

Now Emily couldn’t keep her joy contained; she swept JJ into a twirling hug and kissed her. “Always.”


End file.
